Jokes [Archive] - Sarcastic Gamer Forums

Spoony Bard

10-08-2008, 10:53 PM

I'm sure a ton of people have heard this one already, but here goes:
Little Timmy is sitting in class, and his teacher asks him;
"What's the capital of Florida?"
"I don't know" Timmy says. The teacher looks shocked and tells him to the principal's office. When he get's there the principal asks him,
"Why are you here?" And Timmy says;
"The teacher asked me the capital of Florida, and I said I didn't know, so she sent me here." The principal looks shocked and sends him home. When he gets home his mom asks him,
"Why are you home so early?"
"The teacher asked me the capital of Florida, and I said I didn't know, and she sent me to the principal's office, and he sent me home." Timmy's mother looks shocked and send him to his room. Timmy climbs out the window and is walking down the street and he runs into a police officer. The police officer says to him;
"Shouldn't you be in school?"
"Well," Timmy says, "The teacher asked me the capital of Florida, and I didn't know, so she sent me to the principal's office, and the principal sent me home, and I climbed out the window, and now I'm here." The police officer looks shocked and says,
"You're coming with me," Says the police officer. So the police officer takes Timmy to court. The judge asks him,
"Why are you here?"
"Well, my teacher asked me the capital of Florida, and I said I didn't know, and she sent me to the principal, and he sent me home, and my mom sent me to my room, and I climbed out the window, and ran into that police officer, and now I'm here." The judge looks shocked and says,
"I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave the state."
So, Timmy gets on a plane and leaves. While on the flight, a stewardess asks him,
"Why are you flying all alone, little boy?" Timmy says,
"Well, my teacher asked me the capital of Florida, and I said I didn't know, and she sent me to the principal, and he sent me home, and my mom sent me to my room, and I climbed out the window, and I ran into a police officer, who sent me to a judge, who said I had to leave the state."
The stewardess looks shocked and tells Timmy to go and talk to the pilot. Timmy walks to the front of the plane and enters the cockpit. The pilot says,
"Why are you here?" And Timmy says,
"Well, I- hang on, what state are we flying over right now?"
"Florida" The pilot says.
"What's the capital of this state?" Timmy asks urgently.
"Orange County, why?" Says the pilot.
"No reason" says Timmy as he rushes back to his seat.
So, the plane eventually lands, and Timmy leaves the plane and sees a pay phone across the street. He rushes across so he can tell everyone the capital of Florida and come home, but as he crosses the street, he is hit by a car and dies.
And the moral of this story is; Always look both ways before crossing the street.
(All that took helluva long to type, by the way)

Ventilaator

10-09-2008, 10:11 AM

Little timmy joke

That reminded me of the pink ping pong ball joke, you head of it?

Demief

10-09-2008, 12:12 PM

I love the ping pong ball trick. My friends and I once wasted a whole class telling it to the teacher. It was epic.

Masselli18

10-09-2008, 12:16 PM

That reminded me of the pink ping pong ball joke, you head of it?

I love the ping pong ball trick. My friends and I once wasted a whole class telling it to the teacher. It was epic.

sooo tell it

-M18

Ploogle

10-09-2008, 12:17 PM

If you don't get these, say the punch line out loud:

Did you hear the one about the lady who ate an apple?
It was in cider!

How does a fruit gauge popular opinion?
Take a-pple!

:lol: I made those up a while ago when I was bored.

One more for good measure:
Okay, so Jack Thompson walks into dis bar....:w00t:

osmosis5

10-09-2008, 02:26 PM

This isn't meant to offend any blondes, but here it goes:

A blind man is sitting in a bar, and he stands up and shouts "Hey, anyone want to hear a great blonde joke?" The man next to him turns and says "Now listen to this, the bouncer, myself, my bodybuilder friend, and the bartender are all blonde. We could all beat you up quite easily. Are you sure you want to tell that joke?"
The blind man says
"Nah, I'd have to explain it a couple of times before you guys got it.

Not the best, but the only I could think of at the moment.

Lord Nacho

10-09-2008, 05:14 PM

yeah, this thread will probobly get closed.
anyway
what did the shark say when he swam into a mine?
crap

NuclearNinja

10-09-2008, 05:58 PM

Here is a joke.

PMPB's PS3

here's another one

*insert lame joke here*

Simbuz

10-09-2008, 06:06 PM

Here´s a good one

http://i34.tinypic.com/35c2br9.jpg
Thats the Icelandic vice-president.

Ventilaator

10-10-2008, 05:00 AM

sooo tell it

-M18

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'

The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.

Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'

The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.

The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' replied the son, `I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.

The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'

`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.

`I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, `but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.

The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.

`Dear son,' said the father, `I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'

The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humour me, dear father.'

The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.

The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.

`Dearest father,' the son started, `I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'

One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.

The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.

The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.

The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.

`Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'

It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.

The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.

`Father,' the son said, `You've made me very happy yet again.'

That night, the son spent on board the tanker.

The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.

A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.

His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'

Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'

`Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'

The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.

`Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.'

The son nodded weakly.

The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.

`Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,' the father requested.

The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.

`I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.

`I- I-'

Then he died.

Lord Nacho

10-10-2008, 04:12 PM

keep it comin! these are funny!

NuclearNinja

10-10-2008, 05:54 PM

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'

The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.

Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'

The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.

The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' replied the son, `I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.

The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.

`Father,' said the son to this, `I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'

`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.

`I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father, `but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.

The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.

`Dear son,' said the father, `I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'

The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humour me, dear father.'

The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.

The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.

`Dearest father,' the son started, `I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'

One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.

The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.

The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.

The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.

`Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'

It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.

The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.

`Father,' the son said, `You've made me very happy yet again.'

That night, the son spent on board the tanker.

The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.

A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.

His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'

Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'

`Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'

The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.

`Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.'

The son nodded weakly.

The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.

`Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,' the father requested.

The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.

`I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.

`I- I-'

Then he died.

You just totally wasdted my time. :lol::lol::lol:

RAGNAROCK

10-10-2008, 06:38 PM

ALERT:LAME JOKE :p

so 2 muffins are in an oven,when one says:
-holy s**t!it's hot in here.
and the other muffin says
-holy s**t!A talking muffin.

Lord Nacho

10-10-2008, 08:00 PM

that ones funny!

Shanswer

10-10-2008, 08:20 PM

what has two legs an bleeds a lot?

half a cat

Lord Nacho

10-10-2008, 08:32 PM

when is a car not a car
when it turnes into a driveway

NuclearNinja

10-10-2008, 09:24 PM

lolololololololololololol these are funny

Demonstride

10-10-2008, 10:11 PM

deadlyspaceman

10-11-2008, 04:48 AM

WHat did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

Where's my tractor?

Lord Nacho

10-11-2008, 08:57 AM

what did the dinosour say when he ate a soda factory?
bbbbbbbuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrppppp pp!!!!!!

"knock knock" "who's there" "interupting cow" "inter" "mmmooooo!!!

10-11-2008, 05:27 PM

Okay.

A little girl and her dog are walking through the forest when they suddenly fall into a pit. They scramble and scramble but can't make their way out. The little girl yells, the dog barks, but no one is around to hear their calls for help. Slowly, the night sky turns black and they find themselves engulfed in utter darkness.

Off in the distance, the wolves begin howling. Each howl is louder and closer than the last.

The little girl holds the dog close to her chest and says sadly to the dog, "This is the worst mess in which ever have found ourselves, my darling Sparky."

"Yeah," the dog says, "we're really screwed."

"Sparky," the girl says, astonished, "I didn't know you could talk."

"Well," the dog says, "I was kinda waiting for the right time to tell you."

:D

Spoony Bard

10-12-2008, 12:56 AM

what has two legs an bleeds a lot?

half a cat

Also half of almost any other animal.

Nibos

10-12-2008, 04:53 AM

This one had me laughing for hours.

Q: What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A: A ferrous wheel:

Gilarus

10-12-2008, 11:49 AM

What do you call a cat that eats lemons?
a sourpuss

I was going to eat a box of animal crakers and decided to look at the back of the box.

It read "Do not eat if seal is broken"

And sure enough....

zinc136

10-12-2008, 11:55 AM

Ok these two guys go to a well and they can't see the bottomso they throw a small rock down it and don't hear anythingso they go get a larger rock and throw it down and still here nothingso they go look for something heavierabout 10 minutes later they come back with a railroad tie and throw it down and don't hear anythingabout 5 minutes later this goat comes flying out of the bushes and goes straight down the well10 minutes later a farmer comes throught the bushes and says " have you guys seen a goat come by here?""ya one just went straight down that well right there""O no thats impossible my goat was tied to a railroad tie.

Gilarus

10-12-2008, 12:32 PM

So this dyslexic guy walks into a bra...

eskimopirate

10-12-2008, 03:02 PM

So this dyslexic guy walks into a bra...

Damn you dilarus!
Your sig made me lose the game!

As for jokes...
What do you call a cow with a nervous twitch?
beef jerky!

zmanater0712

10-12-2008, 03:16 PM

how does michael jackson pick his nose?

from a catalouge

K0ldCaliber

10-12-2008, 03:19 PM

Soulja Boy

Gilarus

10-12-2008, 03:41 PM

Damn you dilarus!
Your sig made me lose the game!

As for jokes...
What do you call a cow with a nervous twitch?
beef jerky!

On the other side of it, I lose whenever I make a post :shocked:

eskimopirate

10-12-2008, 03:44 PM

On the other side of it, I lose whenever I make a post :shocked:

Wow. You've lost 488 times. I hope your proud.
...
...
...
...
...
...
Loser.

Gilarus

10-12-2008, 03:45 PM

Wow. You've lost 488 times. I hope your proud.
...
...
...
...
...
...
Loser.

Ouch :sad:

Lord Butters I

10-12-2008, 04:28 PM

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/anti_mind_virus.png (http://xkcd.com/391/)

Jarrett

10-12-2008, 07:48 PM

What do you call a cow without legs?

GROUND BEEF!

Lord Nacho

10-13-2008, 06:45 AM

what has 4 legs, but can't walk?
a table!

DavGxyz

10-13-2008, 09:28 AM

Here we go. Hope its not the thread closure post. :lol:

Elsie takes her old deaf husband Bert for his health checkup.

Doc says: 'I need a urine sample, a sperm sample and a stool sample.'

Bert turns to Elsie and says: 'What did he say?'

Elsie replies: 'HE WANTS YOUR UNDERPANTS!!'

Intense Degree

10-13-2008, 11:12 AM

Warning - this is a little bit rude and (to be honest) not funny enough to justify the length but I'm posting it anyway!

A man comes home from work at the pickle factory and his wife can see he is looking really stressed and upset so she asks him what's wrong. At first he doesn't want to tell her but finally admits that something is troubling him.

"Look this is really embarassing" he says "but at work, for the last couple of weeks now i've had the urge to stick my ... well ... my ... manhood into the pickle slicer!"

His wife is shocked by this but is keen to be understanding so she comforts him as best she is able. She tells him that if he feels the urge while he's at work he should call her at home and she'll try and help him to resist the urge.

The next day he goes off to work but sure enough, just after lunchtime, the phone rings and it's her husband on the phone. He sounds terrible and she knows that a crisis has broken.

"I couldn't resist any longer" says the man "I had to do it!"
"Oh my goodness!" his wife says "Are you OK, tell me what happened?"
"I got the sack" he replies
"Never mind that" she says "what happened about the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, she got the sack too...!"

Ba-dum-crash

virtu0so

10-13-2008, 11:16 AM

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff....

badum che!

That was clever!:lol:

I'll take one I found on an old jokes thread.

So, Jack Thompson walks into dis bar...

Lord Nacho

10-20-2008, 11:01 AM

so a man buys this big circle of cheese and is rolling it down a hill when he drops it and it rolls down the hill. then a lady comes out of her house and picks it up, and brings it inside her house. then her daughter asked "what kind of cheese is it?" and the woman says "nacho cheese" the daughter asks "how do you know?" and the woman says "there was a man running after it yelling "it's notchyo cheese!!":lol:

BlinkinCard41

10-20-2008, 01:15 PM

I don't know if Helen Keller jokes would be allowed here, so I'll wait for an answer to this post before I post any good ones.

DeadpoolSkye

10-20-2008, 01:31 PM

A kind of lengthy one...

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

sayaintjimmy

10-20-2008, 01:44 PM

Soulja Boy

that there is the truth

Madjester88

10-20-2008, 01:51 PM

Roflmfao,
That last one was too funny!

DeadpoolSkye

10-20-2008, 02:36 PM

^ Heh. I'm full of 'em...how about this one?

Well, let me warm you up with a quick joke before the real one.

Back many moons the Indian man chose names based on events of the time.

One day a son asked his dad, "How did you come up with my oldest sister's name?"

Father said, "something that happens the day you are born influences our decision so we named her Warm Sunrise"

The son asked his father how he came up with his other sister's name and the father replied, "Brilliant snow fell on this day so we named her Brilliant Snow."

The father then said, "Why do you ask, Broken Rubber?"

Real Joke

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says,
'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,
And they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six chidren, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt :lol:

SamFtw

10-20-2008, 03:50 PM

A ginger chav, a blonde chav and a brown haired chav all jump off a cliff. Who wins?

Society

Lord Butters I

10-20-2008, 05:51 PM

BlinkinCard41

10-20-2008, 06:30 PM

That Hell joke that DeadpoolSkye posted reminds me of something I've seen once, explaining how Santa, scientifically, cannot exist.

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each.
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are not talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them -Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

A mass of nearly 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's.

A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim considering all the high calorie snacks he must have consumed over the years) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

Lord Nacho

10-20-2008, 06:45 PM

@deadpoolskye
that was the funniest thing i've ever read!!! i was rofl!

BlinkinCard41

10-20-2008, 09:46 PM

What did Helen Keller's parents do to punish her?

They stuck a plunger in the toilet.
OR

They put doorknobs all over the walls.
:lol:

SWSilentkiller

10-20-2008, 10:12 PM

Deadpoolskye, I think that joke was made of win.

Ploogle

10-20-2008, 10:57 PM

'll take one I found on an old jokes thread.

So, Jack Thompson walks into dis bar...[/COLOR][/FONT][/B]

You stole mine. :angry:

Now I have to post these two:

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung!

What's also brown and sounds like a radar?
*In a high pitched voice* Poop!

:lol:

Lord Nacho

10-21-2008, 06:53 AM

if everybody turned off there lights at the same time, what would it be?
dark

Lord Nacho

10-21-2008, 03:47 PM

ok, so that was kind of dumb...........why do the people hate mr.panda in bars?
he eats, shoots and leaves

strika234

10-21-2008, 03:49 PM

somewhat offensive:

whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
the wheelchairm

DeadpoolSkye

10-21-2008, 04:08 PM

I think I deserve 2 points and a cookie for those jokes.

Mental Health Hotline
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Please stay on the line while we trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press - no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

Just thought I'd post two more quick ones.

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road (not a stupid 5 word answer)

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the

need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road... ZZZZZ

SARAH PALIN: BECAUSE, PRAISE JESUS, I WAS GONNA SHOOT HIS SORRY LIBERAL ASS OFF FOR BLOCKING MY VIEW OF RUSSIA!

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of crossing?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not takin g on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmers Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

JACK THOMPSON: It's this blasted video games forcing our young, impressionable chickens to cross roads like reckless fools!

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

:thumbsup:

Lord Butters I

10-21-2008, 10:21 PM

lol at chickens, I've heard the mental health hotline before but it's pretty good too.

SWSilentkiller

10-21-2008, 10:47 PM

Ha, the chicken one was pretty funny, and I feel like a jackass for laughing at the mental health hotline, but it was pretty funny.

Lord Nacho

10-22-2008, 06:51 AM

yeah! that wasn't a crappy 5 word answer!

MightyMutt

10-22-2008, 07:35 AM

Okay, some classic stupid jokes that make me laugh - bearing in mind I have to keep all the good jokes for the comic! (Perhaps good is too stronger word - let's go with 'less crappy')

How do you know that an elephant has been in your fridge?

Footprints in your butter

How do monkeys hide in the jungle?

Paint their balls red and hide in a cherry tree

What's the loudest sound in the jungle?

A giraffe eating cherries!

NuclearNinja

10-22-2008, 04:39 PM

I don't get MM's last one.

Edit: OH! :lol::lol::lol:

DeadpoolSkye

10-22-2008, 05:13 PM

deleted due to lack of posting success.

Shanswer

10-22-2008, 05:49 PM

during a university class, the teacher is wrapping up the lecture with the statement that anyone who choses so miss the final will, in turn, fail the class unless they have given a valid reason as to why they cannot show up.

one of the students, thinking he's being smart, asks "what if I'm so worn out from having too much sex, and can barely get out of bed, is that a valid reason?"

the teacher thinks for a moment, and replies "I'm afraid not. You can still write the exam with your other hand"

NuclearNinja

10-22-2008, 06:10 PM

during a university class, the teacher is wrapping up the lecture with the statement that anyone who choses so miss the final will, in turn, fail the class unless they have given a valid reason as to why they cannot show up.

one of the students, thinking he's being smart, asks "what if I'm so worn out from having to much sex, and can barely get out of bed, is that a valid reason?"

the teacher thinks for a moment, and replies "I'm afraid not. You can still write the exam with your other hand"

HAHAHA OWN3D!!

HA :lol::lol:

Shanswer

10-22-2008, 06:19 PM

I don't get MM's last one.

it makes sense when you consider the joke before it, as long as you don't take into account the geographical locations of cherry trees and giraffes.

anyway...

A man is laying down bricks when another man walks by. the second man watches as the first man throws the brick in the air and it falls perfectly in place. "wow, that's amazing" says the second man. "you can do it as well, just try it like this" says the first as he throws another brick in the air. surely enough, it lands perfectly in place as well. "go ahead" says the first man, handing a brick to the second man. the second man throws the brick in the air, and...

how do you get an elephant in your fridge

open the door and put the elephant in.

how do you get a giraffe in your fridge?

take the elephant out and put the giraffe in

the animal kingdom has a meeting, but who's not there?

the giraffe, because they don't know how to get out of a fridge

you have to cross an alligator pond. how do you do it?

anyway you want, the alligators are all at the meeting

a monkey falls out of a tree; why?

its dead

a second monkey falls out of a tree; why

its stapled to the first monkey

a third monkey falls out of a tree; why?

peer pressure

a fourth monkey falls out of a tree; why?

it slipped on its way to the meeting

a man and his wife are sitting on a plane, him with a cigar, and her with her pet parrot on her shoulder. a flight attendant approaches them and says "I'm sorry, but smoking is not permitted on this flight, and any animals are suppose to be in a cadge. I'm afraid you will have to put them away." the man is surprised that they hadn't been told until half way through the flight, and says "the service here is ridiculous." he is so angry that they had made a fool of him, he opens the emergency exit, grab's the Parrot, puts the cigar in its talons and is about to throw it off the plane when the parrot suddenly dies from being hit by the brick in the first joke

DeadpoolSkye

10-22-2008, 06:23 PM

That was hillarious. I was frustrated when the first joke ended, but it came full circle just then.

:thumbsup:

Fleeka

10-23-2008, 10:44 AM

What's the difference between madeline mcann and the pope?

The Mcanns actually care about the pope

If the above joke offended you, please don't look at it.

adz grant

10-23-2008, 01:57 PM

did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?

he bought a warehouse

is anyone ready for some chuck norris jokes?

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

In the beggining there was nothing, then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked that nothing and told it to get a job

Chuck Norris once round house kicked a lump of clay and created God, the shockwave rippled through and created the world, Adam, Eve, the tree and the snake.

plz enjoy

Lord Nacho

10-25-2008, 07:41 AM

hahaha! and yes i guess chuck norris jokes are okay, but just be careful, 'cause my chuck norris jokes thread got deleted:(

Artemas

10-25-2008, 09:21 AM

LOL! This thread is so messed up.

sayaintjimmy

10-25-2008, 09:27 AM

What's the difference between madeline mcann and the pope?

The Mcanns actually care about the pope

If the above joke offended you, please don't look at it.

what is the point of saying if it offended you don't look at it? i mean if you are offended by the joke you must of read it, and if you read it you looked at it

regua

10-25-2008, 09:35 AM

what is the point of saying if it offended you don't look at it? i mean if you are offended by the joke you must of read it, and if you read it you looked at it
I would like to kindly remind you that this website has 'sarcastic' in its name.

Lord Nacho

10-25-2008, 10:08 PM

hot pockets!

SWSilentkiller

10-25-2008, 10:13 PM

hot pockets!
ok now your just being random

NuclearNinja

10-26-2008, 12:36 AM

ok now your just being random

Nope its from Jim Gaffigan.

Drazial

10-26-2008, 12:55 AM

The following joke aimed at the few shut-ins nerds living with their parents who devote themselves only to video games and anime (you know who you are)

*Ahem*

Your life :w00t:

DeadpoolSkye

10-26-2008, 03:37 PM

OK. I got a couple more for you all, by popular demand (not really...:sad:)

Plastic Surgeons
Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States.
==========================
The Rectum Stretcher

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just
what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my
whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and
then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot as#%ole? "
he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Lord Nacho

10-26-2008, 05:47 PM

The Rectum Stretcher

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just
what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my
whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and
then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot as#%ole? "
he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
that was so funny! i was rofl

so a family with a mom, a dad, a son, and a baby moves into a haunted house. the mom is looking for the dipers for the baby, so she goes upstairs. she is walking when she hears "iiii aaammmm the ggghhhoooosssttt wwwwiiiittthhh the oooonnneeee bbbblllllaaack eeeeeyyyeeee" she screams and runs back downstairs. next, the boy goes upstairs and hears "i am the ghost with the one black eye" and he screams and runs downstairs. next, the dad goes upstairs to get the dipers, and hears "i am the ghost with the one black eye" and he screams (like a girl) and runs downstairs. next, the baby gets up and walks upstairs, and he hears "i am the ghost withh the one black eye", and he says "you're gonna be the ghost with the two black eyes if you don't shut up @#$#&*$#@#@*&%$#$!!!!!!!"

so a guy moves in to a haunted house. he is looking for his remote when he hears "haha! i've got you right where i want you, and now i'm going to eat you!"so he runs into a different room, but he still hears "haha! i've got you right where i want you, and now i'm going to eat you!" so he runs into the bathroom, but he can still hear "haha! i've got you right where i want you, and now i'm going to eat you!" so he runs to go hide in a closet, flings it open, and inside the closet was a monkey with a booger on his finger, saying "haha! i've got you right where i want you, and now i'm going to eat you!"

Freestyle

10-31-2008, 03:48 PM

Last night i went to a Seafood Disco.....i pulled a mussle:lol:

Lord Nacho

10-31-2008, 03:50 PM

ok, so there was this three ghosts, a blond, a brunette, and a re........

yeah, you get the point

Cheese

10-31-2008, 04:35 PM

Lord nacho, sorry but those jokes were seriously pathetic. How on earth was the joke about the monkey supposed to be funny.

Lord Nacho

11-01-2008, 06:57 AM

i don't know, they're supposed to be halloween jokes. and they were funnier when i was a little kid

Ploogle

11-03-2008, 09:51 PM

Geologist: Knock, knock!

Another mutant: Who's there?

Geologist: Ravenous!

Another mutant: Ravenous who?

Geologist: Ravenous rockets!

games301

11-04-2008, 12:01 AM

Lord Nacho's jokes must have been from a bizillion years ago

Lord Nacho

11-04-2008, 06:40 AM

yes, which concludes that i am, in fact.......a dinosaur.

Killgraft

11-04-2008, 01:43 PM

Two Jumper Cables walk into a bar. They are known for being rowdy.

They ask the Bartender for a drink.

He says "Okay..... But don't start anything!"

Yea, Corny I know. But I like to contribute. :p

Lord Nacho

11-05-2008, 07:05 AM

i see, said the blind man to the deaf man over the phone
think about it

ok so that last joke wasn't very funny.:(

ok, so a man is waiting for a bus and a woman walks ofer and asks "where did you get that shirt?" and he said "jcpenny" then she asks" where did you get those pants?" and he said "jcpenny" and then she asked him where he got his hat and he said "jcpenny" then she asked "where did you get your shoes?" and he said "jcpenny" and then she asked him "where did you git that watch?" and he said "jcpenny" then a naked guy runs by and the lady asks "who is that?" and the naked guy says "IM JCPENNY!" and he runs off into the distance.:lol::lol:

DeathByWaffle

11-06-2008, 07:18 AM

There is a thing called the edit button, and it is so you don't have to make a new post every time you want to add on a sentence to what you just said.

choco

11-06-2008, 07:30 AM

ok, so a man is waiting for a bus and a woman walks ofer and asks "where did you get that shirt?" and he said "jcpenny" then she asks" where did you get those pants?" and he said "jcpenny" and then she asked him where he got his hat and he said "jcpenny" then she asked "where did you get your shoes?" and he said "jcpenny" and then she asked him "where did you git that watch?" and he said "jcpenny" then a naked guy runs by and the lady asks "who is that?" and the naked guy says "IM JCPENNY!" and he runs off into the distance.:lol::lol: haha that was great!

Lord Nacho

11-06-2008, 06:51 PM

thanx! and dbw whuuuuuuut?!?!?! there iiiiisss?!?!nnnooo!:tongue::tongue:

sayaintjimmy

11-06-2008, 06:55 PM

ReAl1T

11-06-2008, 08:26 PM

this ones pretty funny
so a single business man goes to Japan for a business trip, and the night before the big business meeting he decides to hire a "helper". While he is doing it with the helper, she keeps shouting HOSHIMOTA HOSHIMOTA and since the guys doesnt know now what it means he keeps on doing what he is doing. The next morning the guy is golfing with some associates and when he tees off he hits a hole in one! he is so excited and out of control he just shouts HOSHIMOTA! then all of the associates stop cheering and started looking around. One of the japanese business men then go up to him andsays what do you mean it is in the wrong hole? ROFLMAO!Im so cooly do you keep looking thats all.really theres no morehttp://i277.photobucket.com/albums/kk51/pokerking7/Exorcist.jpgk maybe not

nathanhale

11-06-2008, 10:30 PM

So a medic a soldier and a spec ops walk into a bar. Still working on the rest of it

ReAl1T

11-08-2008, 07:03 PM

A sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says we don't serve food here

Lord Nacho

11-10-2008, 03:58 PM

ok this one needs to be read outloud
"how do you fit an elephant in a refrigerator?" "i dont know" "just take the f out of way" "there is no f in way"
so one day in school, 4 kids were late the 1st one arrives and the teacher says "why r u late" and he says "i was throwing pebbles in a lake" and the 2nd one arrives and the teacher says "why r u late" and he says "i was throwing pebbles in a lake" then the 3rd one arrives and the teacher says "why r u late" and he says "i was throwing pebbles in a lake" then the fourth one comes and he's all wet and the teacher asks "why r u late and y r u all wet?" and the kid says "im pebbles"
ok, so these three terrorists are riding in a plane and they each are throwing things out. they throw out a soccer ball, a brick, and a grenade. and these guys are walking on the ground and they find a kid crying and they ask "why r u crying?" and he says "a soccer ball fell out of the sky and killed my dog. then they come accross a woman crying and ask "why r u crying?" and she says "a brick fell out of the sky and killed my husband!" then they come across a old man laghing and they ask him "why r u laghing?" and he says "i farted and my house blew up!" :lol::lol::lol::lol:

sayaintjimmy

11-10-2008, 04:01 PM

ok, so these three terrorists are riding in a plane and they each are throwing things out. they throw out a soccer ball, a brick, and a grenade. and these guys are walking on the ground and they find a kid crying and they ask "why r u crying?" and he says "a soccer ball fell out of the sky and killed my dog. then they come accross a woman crying and ask "why r u crying?" and she says "a brick fell out of the sky and killed my husband!" then they come across a old man laghing and they ask him "why r u laghing?" and he says "i farted and my house blew up!" :lol::lol::lol::lol:

why terrorists?

strika234

11-10-2008, 04:04 PM

why terrorists?

who else would throw objects that would hit the ground at dangerous speeds out of plane? Normal People? :rolleyes:

Lord Nacho

11-10-2008, 04:05 PM

exactly!

Artemas

11-10-2008, 05:27 PM

who else would throw objects that would hit the ground at dangerous speeds out of plane? Normal People? :rolleyes:

You underestimate the power of "stupidity".

virtu0so

11-10-2008, 08:49 PM

so one day in school, 4 kids were late the 1st one arrives and the teacher says "why r u late" and he says "i was throwing pebbles in a lake" and the 2nd one arrives and the teacher says "why r u late" and he says "i was throwing pebbles in a lake" then the 3rd one arrives and the teacher says "why r u late" and he says "i was throwing pebbles in a lake" then the fourth one comes and he's all wet and the teacher asks "why r u late and y r u all wet?" and the kid says "im pebbles"

There is a magical punctuation mark that you fail to use; it is called THE PERIOD.

......

Lord Nacho

11-11-2008, 03:14 PM

i know, but it already took forever to type!

DeadpoolSkye

12-03-2008, 06:10 PM

What jokes thread is complete without a Chuck Noriss Joke...also, thread revival.

"Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths."

Brian

12-03-2008, 06:49 PM

What's the difference between a pile of dead bodies and a ferari?

I don't have a ferari in my garage =)

sayaintjimmy

12-03-2008, 06:57 PM

What's the difference between a pile of dead bodies and a ferari?

I don't have a ferari in my garage =)

ehhhh.....not that funny

Lord Nacho

12-03-2008, 07:19 PM

Pyr0qvy

12-04-2008, 06:10 PM

A guy and a giraffe walk into a bar, the giraffe gets drunk and falls over, the guy starts to leave, the bartender says to the guy "Hey! you can't leave that lyin' there!"
The guy says "Thats not a lion, its a giraffe."

sayaintjimmy

12-04-2008, 06:13 PM

You underestimate the power of "stupidity".
exactly there are a lot of stupid people out there that may do that.

Brian

12-04-2008, 07:15 PM

ehhhh.....not that funny

Wasn't a joke lol......

yea it was.

NuclearNinja

12-04-2008, 07:19 PM

Wasn't a joke lol......

yea it was.

no it wasn't

no it wasn't

blackcat0158

12-04-2008, 07:42 PM

Two bank robbers are committing a hold-up.
The first one says to the bank teller "Gimmie all the money or I swear to God you're geography!"
The teller replies "I think you mean history..."
The second robber shrieks at the teller "Don't change the subject!"

A man walked into the doctors office. He said, "My arm hurts in several places". The doctor said, "So, don't go there any more."

A man walked into a bar and noticed two pork chops nailed to the ceiling. He sat down and tried to ignore them. After a drink or two however, curiosity got the better of him. He turned to the barkeep and asked "Hey! What's up with the meat stuck to the ceiling?"
The bartender looked up at the man and nodded "Well them are from a bet we have goin' on. See, the first man to jump up and touch them thar steaks gets free drinks for life. But if'n he misses, he has to buy everyone here a round. So stranger, you up for it?"
The man ponders this for a while. "No. The steaks are too high"

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on during their weekly round of golf.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and ass are interchangeable."

Masselli18

12-04-2008, 07:46 PM

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

http://www.el-cerrito-coin-exchange.com/images/9991.jpg

You win pure gold.

darkwonders

12-04-2008, 08:35 PM

Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A guy fell in mud

Wanna hear a clean joke?
He took a bath with bubbles

Wanna hear another dirty joke?
Bubbles was his next door neighbor.

corgon67

12-09-2008, 07:30 PM

is mexican jokes ok, im not racist but...

Xgamr

12-09-2008, 07:33 PM

not really a joke persay but:

my friend at school said: "Im so Bored"
so i said: "then why don't I stick a nail in you" *buda tst*

Pyr0qvy

12-09-2008, 07:43 PM

don't quit your day job...

T Mac

12-09-2008, 07:48 PM

http://www.ananova.com/images/web/277699.jpg

Man's having a bit of trouble on his bike you know why?
Because he's a scot.

Lolz i know it from family guy.

corgon67

12-09-2008, 08:13 PM

Ok if you get offended easily dont opoen the spoilers.

What do white guys and fences have in common-

-They both get jumped by mexicans

Why cant you play uno with a mexican-

-They will steal all the green cards

:lol:it isnt really racist but ya

corgon67

12-09-2008, 08:16 PM

As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.

Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.

In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, "If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"

corgon67

12-10-2008, 07:11 PM

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

corgon67

12-10-2008, 07:22 PM

Questions?

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

If you take a Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald
man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time
it was to set it to?

Which is the other side of the street?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows?"

games301

12-10-2008, 07:25 PM

What do you do with your eye?Look at stuff

DeadpoolSkye

02-18-2009, 06:39 PM

Ah...nothing like a thread revival. I'm back with some funnies. Language and "themes" inside of these jokes.

A wife came home the other night and told her husband to take off her blouse.

Then she told him to take off her skirt.

Then she told him not to wear her clothes anymore.

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.

'She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a ship wreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and claims that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left knee and screams in pain. Then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more. She pushes her stomach and screams and then she pushes her ankle and screams even louder. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that at was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card. That's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says,
'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,
And they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six chidren, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

DeadpoolSkye

02-18-2009, 06:45 PM

I'm not done yet!

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password.

Something he will use to log on to the computer. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in:

P...

E...

N...

I...

S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving
you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years
and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks
have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had
quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had
gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even
wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate
in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching
all of your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex
anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you
don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving
away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true that you and I have been married for seven years,
although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I
watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant
whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first
thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!"
but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't
say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal,
you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I
stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers
on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that
it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty
dollars from me that morning ... And your silk boxers were
$49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could
work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto
for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two
tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My
lawyer said that with the letter that you wrote, you won't
get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed
Rich As H_e_l_l and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my
sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?'"

"No," the farmer said.

The second beau came to the door and said, ''I''m Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''

"No."

The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''

The farmer shot Chuck.

:lol:
I'm done now.

EDIT: Nevermind. I thought of one more.

A blond and a brunette go to rob a bank. They set up a plan and were ready to go. The brunette pulls the car up to the curb and looks at the blond.

"You know what to do?" the Brunette said.

"Yeah...I got it." the blond replied. The blond goes into the bank, leaving the brunette to sit and wait. It's about ten minutes when the blond starts running out of the bank, trying to pull a huge safe with a piece of rope. She eventually gives up and jumps in the car, yelling at the brunette to drive. As they drive off, the brunette sees a security guard running out of the bank with his pants around his ankles.

"WHAT DID YOU DO!?" the brunette asked.

"WHAT YOU TOLD ME TO!" the blond replied. The brunette looked in the mirror again and sees the guard getting further and further away, standing with the tied up safe. It is at this moment she turns to the blond.

"YOU IDIOT! You were supposed to tie up the guard and blow the safe!"

mynameshouldntmatter

02-18-2009, 06:46 PM

A blonde is watching the news when the news man says

"Today, two Brazilian man are dead"

The blonde screams

"oh my God, How many people is two brazillian people"

...

Two cannibals are eating a clown
The one says to the other
"This tasted funny, didn't it?

...

A horse enters to a bar and the barman says
"Why the Long Face?"

Razma

02-18-2009, 08:17 PM

It may or may not have been brought up, but I'm waiting for a variation of the "Aristocrat" joke. For those that don't know what I mean, type it into youtube, either Gilbert Gottfried or Bob Saget do it the best.

McDuff14

02-21-2009, 04:13 PM

Did you hear about that movie constipation?

It never came out.

kim andre

02-21-2009, 04:18 PM

i don't get this thread, can some one explain it to me? pleas i am cinda slow xD

Teh Flying Tea

02-21-2009, 05:07 PM

When a door not a door?

When its a jar

This ones a little long

One day there was an english man irish man and scotsman and they were walking by a cave

The english man says "I bet none of you daren't go in there."

"You make me laugh" chortles the scotsman

So the scotsman goes inside. He sees a fiver on the tabe. Great he thought, so he goes towards the table and as he picks up the fiver, he hears a voice:

"I'm the Ghost of Auntie Mabel, leave that fiver on the table"

the scotsman runs out and yells "Theres a ghost, theres a ghost!"

The irishman says "Yeah right" So he decides to take a look for him self.

The irishman goes in and he sees the fiver. Great he thought, so, he heads towards the table and as he's about to pick up the fiver, he heres a voice:

I'm the Ghost of Auntie Mable leave that fiver of the table.

So The irishman comes out running saying "The Scots right, they really is a Ghost in there."

So The Englishman says "You guys are pathetic, I'll go and check things out sicne you two are too scared to finish the job!"

So, The Englishman walks in and straight away spots the fiver, he walks towards the table and as he's about to pickup the fiver he hears a voice:

I'm the Ghost of Auntie Mable leave that fiver on the table."

So The Englishman says "I'm the ghost od davey crockette that pound note stays in my pocket"

Simones757

02-23-2009, 09:01 AM

these are hilarious!!!:w00t::w00t::w00t:
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff....

badum che!

what did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall?

damn!

choco

02-23-2009, 12:29 PM

i don't get this thread, can some one explain it to me? pleas i am cinda slow xD

it's just a bunch of jokes.

Simones757

02-24-2009, 11:35 AM

Smones57 is the awesomest person in the whole world and if I ever see him in real life I want to give him a BIG hug.

Is this a joke???:undecided:

Artemas

02-24-2009, 06:45 PM

Three men married wives from different states.The first man married a woman from Michigan . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Missouri . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Pennsylvania. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

I was amused by this. It's also based on a good sum of truth....

DeadpoolSkye

02-24-2009, 06:52 PM

:lol:

salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers.

Salesman: "Can I see your dad?"

Johnny: "No, he's in the shower."

Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?"

Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too."

Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?"

Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead."

A young boy's parents get a divorce and the judge decides to let him pick which parent to live with. He goes with his mom but about a year later he goes back to court to request to be allowed to live with his dad. When asked why he says because his mom beats him. So the judge grants him his request. Another year goes by and the boy comes before the judge again. And again he asks to be allowed to find a new home. The judge asks why and the boy informs her that his dad also beats him. The Judge says well how about your grand parents. So the boy agrees but you guessed it a year later he is back in her court. This time it was his grandparents that beat him. The judge tells the boy he has no other family living in the area and asks him what he thinks should be done. The young boy looks at her and says "I want to live with the Oakland Raiders" the judge asks why since this was a strange request. "Because" says the boy "they cant beat anybody"

ThePianoMan

02-25-2009, 11:24 AM

:lol:

salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers.

Salesman: "Can I see your dad?"

Johnny: "No, he's in the shower."

Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?"

Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too."

Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?"

Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead."

:lol: ZING!!!

What a world we live in where I, a 14-year-old, understand that joke :undecided::lol:

A young boy's parents get a divorce and the judge decides to let him pick which parent to live with. He goes with his mom but about a year later he goes back to court to request to be allowed to live with his dad. When asked why he says because his mom beats him. So the judge grants him his request. Another year goes by and the boy comes before the judge again. And again he asks to be allowed to find a new home. The judge asks why and the boy informs her that his dad also beats him. The Judge says well how about your grand parents. So the boy agrees but you guessed it a year later he is back in her court. This time it was his grandparents that beat him. The judge tells the boy he has no other family living in the area and asks him what he thinks should be done. The young boy looks at her and says "I want to live with the Oakland Raiders" the judge asks why since this was a strange request. "Because" says the boy "they cant beat anybody"

We used a variation of that using Plymouth Argyle (local team) in our panto that we put on in Plymouth. At first, we thought it'd go down well, and it did.

Ever since we rehearsed and performed though (first rehearsal December 28th) Argyle haven't won... :(

Razma

02-25-2009, 08:32 PM

Any joke told by that floating My Handy in Fallout 3, by joe weren't they all crackers?

"The clairvoyancy conferance was cancelled due to unforseen circumstances"

HA HA HA HA, terrific.

veilx

02-25-2009, 08:45 PM

Warning: Let's keep this AGE APPROPRIATE guys. We don't want this locked! (It hasn't happened yet, but eventually it will)

So a man walks into a bar...... Ouch!

hey we let the talkingship guy's in the forums, right?...
:grin:

nah nah.. they cwl...

veilx

02-25-2009, 09:16 PM

Ok if you get offended easily dont opoen the spoilers.

Why cant you play uno with a mexican-

-They will steal all the green cards

:lol:it isnt really racist but ya

lol meh bro told me that one- it wasa gewd one im full mex btw

Masselli18

02-25-2009, 10:11 PM

Ok
So i son is born with body, he is only a head. But alas this boy grows a fairly normal life. and just as every kid asks one time or another he asks is father if he an go to the bar with him. his father responds "son when your 21 you can come and have a drink. years pass this boy who is still only a head asks his father the same question. and his father responds the same way. Finally when the boys 21 birthday comes along his dad finally takes him to the bar for a drink
the boy takes a sip of beer and grows a torso. another sip. grows arms. another sip? yes he grows legs. the young man is so thrilled to have a body he starts running around the bar. then he runs outside and gets hit by a car.
his father, holding his dying son says. my boy... you should have quit while you were a head!!
ZING!!!

ThePianoMan

03-01-2009, 08:13 AM

Whodini1

03-01-2009, 09:32 AM

Did you hear the one about the constipated Mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil and a ruler

DeadpoolSkye

04-09-2009, 08:27 AM

A panda walks into a bar, but before he can order anything, the barkeep chases him out the door and yells “Don’t come back!” When his assistant asks why, the barkeep says “We don’t serve pandas,” and leaves it at that. The next day, the panda returns to the bar, but before he can order anything, the barkeep chases him out the door again and yells “Don’t come back!” When his assistant asks why, the barkeep says “We don’t serve pandas,” and leaves it at that. On the third day, the panda walks into the bar, but the barkeep (being in the back restocking the booze) doesn’t see. It walks up the bar and orders a hamburger. It then scarfs it down, pulls out a handgun, and shoots several patrons before it runs off. The barkeep rushes back at the sounds of the gunshots, only to see the devastation. “What happened?” he asks the assistant. Dumbfounded, he answers “The panda…” “Dammit man,” shouts the barkeep.
“Don’t you know anything about pandas? A panda eats chutes and leaves!”
------------------
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?"'

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots. I have taught them to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will also learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims,
"Put the beads away, Jack. Our prayers have been answered!"
------------------------
THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

& Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
& Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
& Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
& Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
& Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
& Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
& Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
& Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
& Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
& Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
& The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
& Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
& Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
& Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
& Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
& Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
& Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
& Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

And my favorite:

& Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
-------------------
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years
earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate
their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that
everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
----------
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that at was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card. That's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
-----------
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. 'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?' Yes Sir' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The
cop said, 'Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.' The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?' Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!!!'.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.''
----------------
Some of my friends didn't get this one...let's see if you do.

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, 'I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.' The excitement was almost electric as Claude drew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. 'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch....' The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

'SH*T!' said the hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center....

:lol:

-SRS BSNS-

Teh Flying Tea

04-09-2009, 08:38 AM

Two blondes walk into a building

you would have thought one of them would have seen it

A blonde walks into an electronics store and sees a TV she wants. She asks the employee how much it costs but he answers "I'm sorry, but we dont sell TV's to dumb blondes". Frusterated, she leaves, and returns an hour later disguised as a red head.
-"May I please know the price for that TV?"
-"No, I'm sorry, but we dont sell TV's to dumb blondes"
Even more frusterated by the fact that he saw through her disguise, she left in a huff only to return another hour later with black hair instead.
-"Sir, would you please tell me the price of that TV?"
-"No, I keep telling you, I dont sell TV's to dumb blondes!"
The blonde couldnt take it anymore.
" Can't you see my hair? Its not blonde its black! How do you keep finding out I'm blonde?"
"Because ma'am, thats not a TV. Its a microwave."

DeadpoolSkye

04-10-2009, 08:24 AM

SIX MANAGEMENT LESSONS

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story
1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

-SRS BSNS-

eskimopirate

04-10-2009, 05:32 PM

'SH*T!' said the hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center....

:lol:

-SRS BSNS-

Thank you. First time I've lolled all day.

Have you heard the one about the pencil?
Nevermind, you wouldn't get the point.
Have you heard the one about the airplane?
Nevermind, it would be over your head
and my favorite,
Why did the emo cross the road?
you wouldn't understand
:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

levi95psn

04-10-2009, 06:55 PM

These jokes will easily offend!
What do Michael Jackson and a xbox have in common?

They're both turned on by 8 year olds.

What do Michael Jackson and a plastic bag have in common?

They're both dangerous to childeren!

Whats the difference between Madeline McKanne and an xBox 360?

I dont have an xBox locked under my bed!

Awoll SGF

04-11-2009, 04:58 AM

2 Guys get pissed in a pub...

One throws up all over himself and says "Oh no. My wife told me if I ever come home like this again, It's over between us."

His friend pushes 20 quid into his shit pocket and says "Listen. Tell your wife a guy at the bar threw up all over you and gave you 20 pound to get it dry cleaned."

That night, the guy explains the situation to his wife. She pulls 40 pound of his pocket.

"Oh yeah..." He says. "He shit in my pants too."

Haha. One of my favorites.

eskimopirate

04-11-2009, 09:02 AM

Offensive.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and an astronaut?
An astronaut walks ON in the moon, Michael Jackson rapes little kids.
That joke brought to you by RealiT/PostHilarity/IamNOTracist (whatever his name is on here)

kim andre

04-11-2009, 09:25 AM

Louie the great

04-11-2009, 10:42 PM

ThePianoMan

06-10-2009, 01:30 PM

God said 'Let there be light.' Chuck Norris said 'Say please!'

When Chuck Norris does a press-up, he doesn't go up, the world goes down

ImNotEmo

06-10-2009, 01:36 PM

DeadpoolSkye

07-06-2009, 12:35 AM

ESPN BREAKING NEWS!
New head coach Jim Schwartz has announced that next season's sponsors of the Detroit Lions will be TAMPAX. A spokesman for Tampax said:
"It's a pleasure to be sponsoring the Lions this year. I believe that it is important to make sure the people you sponsor are in line with your product. The Lions were the obvious choice, as they seem to be a bunch of c*nts going through a bad period"

Bauer22

07-06-2009, 12:45 AM

this isnt a joke as much as a fact,

whats the one thing chuck norrris cant kill?

BOB ROSS!
http://i130.photobucket.com/albums/p255/Count_Choculitis/bob-ross.jpg
how can you kill the one who makes happy little trees?

But you know who can kill Bob Ross?

Mr. Rogers
http://ddisbored.files.wordpress.com/2008/09/mr-rogers.jpg

Proof
4WgT9gy4zQA

ThePianoMan

07-06-2009, 01:53 AM

But you know who can kill Bob Ross?

Mr. Rogers
http://ddisbored.files.wordpress.com/2008/09/mr-rogers.jpg

Proof
4WgT9gy4zQA

You didn't...

That song is the most annoying song I may have ever heard, actually know, Crazy Frog's worse, but that's still annoying after the umpteenth time

RAGNAROCK

07-06-2009, 09:47 PM

cruel joke a friend of mine text me

Why did Michal Jackson say that he didn't want to be cremated?
....
....
because it would turn him black again....

*waits for laughs.....*

Killgraft

07-06-2009, 10:49 PM

I didnt see much of this thread before, but my guess is that the funniest jokes are also the ones that were deleted. Kinda like most of the jokes I would say.

ThePianoMan

07-07-2009, 04:41 PM

Michael Jackson jokes are just play on words using lyrics of his songs, usually about child molesting, tis horrible, derogatory and I hate them.

You know they're Bad, they're Bad, come on, you know. And the whole world has to answer right now just to tell you once again, they're Bad.

mitchayo

07-07-2009, 05:45 PM

How do you annoy Lady GaGa?

Poker face

TinyButDeadly

07-09-2009, 11:30 AM

Here is my first entry for this thread....

A woman is in the shower when suddenly she hears a knock on the door. She does not know what to do. She decides to get out of the shower dripping wet and wraps a towel around her. She walks up to the door and says "Who is it?". A male voice returns with "Im the blind guy from down the road". The woman thought to herself , he says he is the blind man which means he can't see me like this. So she decides to open the door, let the man in and then shuts the door. She thens directs him to the couch and then takes her towel off . She is now completely naked and starts to dry herself with the towel. Then she is suprised with what the blind man says... he says "nice Tits".

Work it Out ......

It makes you laugh when you figure it out.

ButterflyFairy

07-09-2009, 11:46 AM

Cheese

07-09-2009, 11:47 AM

@ Sam VII, blind people see by feeling with their hands. Get it now?

TinyButDeadly

07-09-2009, 12:34 PM

Cheese sorry but you are wrong i will give you a clue 'Blind' Man

levi95psn

07-09-2009, 01:41 PM

He fits blinds

levi95psn

07-09-2009, 01:48 PM

These will also offend

I saw Michael Jackson lying half-concious under a bridge the other day, I asked him what happened.
He said he was tossed off by some little kids.

What's brown and in a toddlers nappy?
Michael Jacksons hand

This joke WONT OFFEND

What do you call a Chinese man with only one testicle?

Sum Ting Wong.

TinyButDeadly

07-09-2009, 02:07 PM

Yes Levi you are right he fits blinds

ThePianoMan

07-09-2009, 02:32 PM

Yes Levi you are right he fits blinds

Isn't that joke from the Vicar of Dibley?

Officer Mudkip

07-09-2009, 08:02 PM

A penguin walks into a bar and says Have you seen my brother in here? The Barman says I'm not sure, what does he look like?

*cough*

PacManPolarBear

07-09-2009, 10:40 PM

A bit offensive; an oldie but a goodie:

I like my women the way I like my coffee...slutty.

karizmatkstalyn

07-09-2009, 10:56 PM

A bit offensive; an oldie but a goodie:

I like my women the way I like my coffee...slutty.

or
Would you like some coffee, mam?
Yes, thank you.
Cream and sugar?
No, I take it black, like my men.

TinyButDeadly

07-10-2009, 11:58 AM

Isn't that joke from the Vicar of Dibley?

Possibly I don't know :undecided: I found it in my joke book.

ThePianoMan

07-10-2009, 12:15 PM

Possibly I don't know :undecided: I found it in my joke book.

Okey dokes, sure it's been at the end of one of the episodes

TinyButDeadly

07-11-2009, 02:42 AM

Oh cool it made me laugh when i read it. Here is another lengthy one not for kids- 18+ rating :

There was a tramp down the street and he was realy uncomfortable and cold so he knocked onto one of the street doors and a woman opened the door. He asked "Can i please come sleep over here for the night I am so uncomfortable out there". She thought about then said "Ok then come in".

She directed him through the house and said "you can go sleep out in the garden", He said "Thank you ever so much". He went out into the garden but was still really cold so he decided to take down all the clothes off the washing line and wrapped them around him. The woman saw what he did and came outside, she said "What do you think your doing I have the right to phone the police". He said "But i was ever so cold i am really sorry give me a second chance please". So she decided to bring him back into the house and let him sleep on the sofa.

So the tramp settled in and he wasnt cold or uncomfortable, he felt great. But he was really thirsty, so he went to the fridge and took the carton of milk and drank it down whole. As he was doing this the woman came downstairs and saw what he was doing. She once again said "right thats it i am phoning the police" He begged her to stop and then as she was reaching for the phone she decided to give him one last chance. She directed him to the stairs and said "you can sleep there for the night".

He got comfy but then the window blew open and a cold breeze drifted through the house, he got up and went to go shut it but it was jammed and would not shut. He looked around trying to find something that could keep him warm when the womans cat started to purr up his leg. Then an idea struck him. He dug through the womans drawers trying to find a shaver when he found one. He shaved off all the cats hair and lay it all across him when once again the woman came downstairs and saw what had happened. That was the final straw, She grabbed the phone and dialed 999 (for british cops or if your american 911) . A police officer answered and asked "what is your problem Mam?" Under the stress of it all the woman spoke quickly and said "A man just came into my house took all my clothes off, Drained me of my milk and shaved my pussy"

LOL That one made me ROFL.

AssassinsClaw

07-11-2009, 05:12 AM