I know they're probably crap, but I wrote these song lyrics. Just looking for feedback. Seems like the nice people outnumber the....poofaces?.. here so I thought this would be the best way to ascertain feedback.

Let it Slide:

I saw a man, he was sitting on the shore
He was sad, left waiting at the door
His eyes were dull, and his face was pale
He looked as though he could be swept up in a gale

He wasn’t right,
But still the fight
Went on and on
It’ll ne’er be gone
Went on and on
From dusk till dawn

Just too obstinate
Just too passionate
Give up your pride
Let it slide!

I found myself, to be walking in the footprints
It was so wrong, but I haven’t thought about it since
My face was hard, my mind was set
I had fallen, I’d been caught in the net

With a moan I realized what I’d done
And then with a groan, I felt the heat of the sun.

I didn’t care at all
As I watched myself fall
I knew, knew I was right, I’d fight with all my might
To win
To sin
You grin
“bow
Right now”
I’ll never do it
Go ahead and throw your fit

He wasn’t right
But still the fight
Went on and on
It’ll never be gone
Went on and on
From dusk till dawn

Just too obstinate
Just too passionate
Give up your pride
Let it slide.

Try Looking in a mirror:
Eyes flash
Minds clash
I can feel the tension in the air
Blades slash
Fists smash
But they don’t know that I won’t be there

I’m Free
You See
Your false accusations: arrogant
Agree
With me
I don’t want to have this argument

I’m glad
Not sad
Stop being so damn egotistical
You’re mad
Too bad
It’s not like I’m acting mystical

You’re so damn
Pathetic
Apathetic
Frenetic
Ascetic
You think you’re
Prophetic
Empathetic
But you’re not that righteous

Try Looking In a mirror
You might be surprised
Things might be clearer
You don’t see how you’re despised

They Think I’m wrong
But I still won’t sing their song

Tongues lash
Words gash
I have left you bleeding on the floor
Teeth gnash
You dash
I don’t even care anymore



Blades sing
Shields ring
Metaphors lying on a plain
Of No King
I sing
Just sick little man who hid his pain

He sprays a cloud of poison to hide his face
Surrounded always by a legion of the deaf
Alas for the poor man for he has no grace
Surrounded always by a legion of the deaf

You’re so damn
Pathetic
Apathetic
Frenetic
Ascetic
You think you’re
Prophetic
Empathetic
But you’re not that righteous

Try Looking In a mirror
You might be surprised
Things might be clearer
You don’t see how you’re despised


That's that, I am fully open to ridicule...:roll:

Listen to handrix much? the first verse of the "let it slide" song stinks of him, so great job! lol

they're pretty cool

They're actually pretty good. Are you in a band or just an independent singer?

I don't know what kind of rhythm or beat they're supposed to go along with, but they sounded kinda nifty reading them with a hip hop vibe, something like Run DMC, Beastie Boys, or Flobots.

I want to hear this to music. I can imagine some in my mind right now, but I think hearing what you have in mind for it would be best.

I've got my band over chillin' and playing games, so we're looking at the songs and thinking about how the music would go.

We all agree they're nice songs (but won't steal them out of respect :lol:)

-SRS BSNS-

little bit too much rhyme, but that might not be an issue.

I think that entirely depends on the band focus.

As for what kind've singer I am...A singer not fit to sing these songs: I can sing decently and (unfortunately) a half of an octave above "still alive".

I would actually be delighted if someone stole these, because, while I am good at saxaphone, I am no good and guitar and thus my songwriting is limited. SO STEAL AWAY!:lol: as long as I get an MP3 recording:lol:

haha I like it. Its cool to see another good song writer in the Sg community. For some reason I see the second song to some sort of Rap Beat haha.

Heres something of mine I wrote a few days ago Ive been sitting on:


lovely imaginary man
thats what you called me; thats what i am
i only exist whan your around
when u exit im spread in the sound

this aura around you looks so daunting
i may be a ghost but you're my haunting
ill follow to the coast and up the mountains
past so many miles but im not countin

who knew that death could drive you insane?
when you make love i writhe in pain
i thouht too much well just my luck
just like life but i cant get drunk

lovely pristine hands
if only i cound touch land
im envy im lust im all sins at once
ill have you i must

no longer imaginary
i will appear in your mirrors
in the shadows in the back of the car
the dim light of the morning star

who knew that death could drive you insane?
when you make love I will engulf you in flames
drunk on the power of his ravenous heart
i will take what I love and rip it apart

sorry to burst your bubble, but while I have not song to go along as of now. I can assure you there is no possibility of rap. *bump concealed as legitamate post*

Pretty niffty stuff. Although, not every line has to be in rhyming couplets. It makes it sound a little cheesy. If you get what I mean.

Not bad stuff guys, would love to hear mp3's in future

Alex Turner is undoubtedly, irreputably (in my mind anyway) the best songwriter alive

I'm going back to 505,
If its a 7 hour flight or a 45 minute drive,
In my imagination you're waiting lying on your side,
With your hands between your thighs,

Stop and wait a sec,
Oh when you look at me like that my darling,
What did you expect,
I'd probably still adore you with you hand around my neck,
Or I did last time I checked,

Not shy of a spark,
The knife twists at the thought that I should fall short of the mark,
Frightened by the bite though its no harsher than the bark,
The middle of adventure, it's such a perfect place to start,

I'm going back to 505,
If its a 7 hour flight or a 45 minute drive,
In my imagination you're waiting lying on your side,
With your hands between your thighs,

But I crumble completely when you cry,
It seems like once again I've had to greet you with goodbye,
Im always just about to go and spoil a suprise,
Take my hands off of your eyes too soon,

I'm going back to 505,
If its a 7 hour flight or a 45 minute drive,
In my imagination you're waiting lying on your side,
With your hands between your thighs and a smile!


The smiles as she walked in the room have all turned into frowns
Am I too quick to assume that the love is no longer in bloom
The tantrums and the tears play a very different tunes to what they did before
Their heads red raw
And the end doesn't sound like the happiest around
When you sobbed before it felt much more like the product of the squabble
Now there's reason for it to be something more
And there would be
Oh its uncertain weather, the curtain has shut for good
She said "see if it's still raining but I'm not dressed for it, and if you loved me..."
And I interrupt to receive the scowl and stare
But still decided to stop her there


Would it be outrageous to say
We're either shouting or we're shagging locked in tempestuous phase
At least that's how we felt yesterday
The eyes are getting heavier
And whether you're sleep or awake, is a mistery
Would a kiss be too much to ask
When you fit me as sunday's frozen pitch fits the thermos flask
It's a pity
It just hit me we can't go back
To the chest touching on the back


http://www.arcticmonkeys.com/

I would actually be delighted if someone stole these, because, while I am good at saxaphone, I am no good and guitar and thus my songwriting is limited. SO STEAL AWAY!:lol: as long as I get an MP3 recording:lol:

I'm a pianist in a band, and our lead guitarist knows really well how to put lyrics to music, and I'll give it a go too. I'll give you a shout if/when we get an mp3 file. Although I wanna tweak the lyrics a bit.

Is there a story behind either of those songs btw? I prefer music which has a meaning or moral, gives it extra depth. Hence my liking of 'The Man Who Can't Be Moved' by The Script

Although random music if it's good is always great to listen to (Cliffs of Dover, Pyschobilly Freakout, etc.)

Not bad stuff guys, would love to hear mp3's in future

Alex Turner is undoubtedly, irreputably (in my mind anyway) the best songwriter alive

I'm going back to 505,
If its a 7 hour flight or a 45 minute drive,
In my imagination you're waiting lying on your side,
With your hands between your thighs,

Stop and wait a sec,
Oh when you look at me like that my darling,
What did you expect,
I'd probably still adore you with you hand around my neck,
Or I did last time I checked,

Not shy of a spark,
The knife twists at the thought that I should fall short of the mark,
Frightened by the bite though its no harsher than the bark,
The middle of adventure, it's such a perfect place to start,

I'm going back to 505,
If its a 7 hour flight or a 45 minute drive,
In my imagination you're waiting lying on your side,
With your hands between your thighs,

But I crumble completely when you cry,
It seems like once again I've had to greet you with goodbye,
Im always just about to go and spoil a suprise,
Take my hands off of your eyes too soon,

I'm going back to 505,
If its a 7 hour flight or a 45 minute drive,
In my imagination you're waiting lying on your side,
With your hands between your thighs and a smile!


The smiles as she walked in the room have all turned into frowns
Am I too quick to assume that the love is no longer in bloom
The tantrums and the tears play a very different tunes to what they did before
Their heads red raw
And the end doesn't sound like the happiest around
When you sobbed before it felt much more like the product of the squabble
Now there's reason for it to be something more
And there would be
Oh its uncertain weather, the curtain has shut for good
She said "see if it's still raining but I'm not dressed for it, and if you loved me..."
And I interrupt to receive the scowl and stare
But still decided to stop her there


Would it be outrageous to say
We're either shouting or we're shagging locked in tempestuous phase
At least that's how we felt yesterday
The eyes are getting heavier
And whether you're sleep or awake, is a mistery
Would a kiss be too much to ask
When you fit me as sunday's frozen pitch fits the thermos flask
It's a pity
It just hit me we can't go back
To the chest touching on the back


http://www.arcticmonkeys.com/

Does your username having anything to do with the band Nizlopi (well, I say band, it's 2 people)

I'm a pianist in a band, and our lead guitarist knows really well how to put lyrics to music, and I'll give it a go too. I'll give you a shout if/when we get an mp3 file. Although I wanna tweak the lyrics a bit.

Is there a story behind either of those songs btw? I prefer music which has a meaning or moral, gives it extra depth. Hence my liking of 'The Man Who Can't Be Moved' by The Kooks.

Although random music if it's good is always great to listen to (Cliffs of Dover, Pyschobilly Freakout, etc.)
The first one (Try looking in a mirror) is based on an actuall event, where someone was trying to console me, and they assumed they were the one that upset me. This angered me because they thought they had enough influence over my life that it would piss me off to be mean to me. It was not them (I wrote that one like 2 years ago) I also don't care if you edit the lyrics...

Not bad actually probably to much rhyming and because if that it sounds a bit like a children song . But other than that They seem good. its hard to tell without a beat

Does your username having anything to do with the band Nizlopi (well, I say band, it's 2 people)

Actually yeah when I was makin my PSN tag I was with a friend and i couldn't decide what to do. They had jus been to Ireland, so my friend who saw them suggested them. I'd never heard them but I found the name interesting so I went with nizlop and I quite like it so it stuck

You do know that it doesn't have to rhyme, right? But nice lyrics anyway.

The first one (Try looking in a mirror) is based on an actuall event, where someone was trying to console me, and they assumed they were the one that upset me. This angered me because they thought they had enough influence over my life that it would piss me off to be mean to me. It was not them (I wrote that one like 2 years ago) I also don't care if you edit the lyrics...

Kk, thanks. I just find that useful. And I won't change them much, but some lines I might edit just to keep a natural flow

Actually yeah when I was makin my PSN tag I was with a friend and i couldn't decide what to do. They had jus been to Ireland, so my friend who saw them suggested them. I'd never heard them but I found the name interesting so I went with nizlop and I quite like it so it stuck

What a guess :thumbsup:

They are pretty smooth.
I write poetry sometimes, most to keep in my notebook, and some to post on my myspace blog.
Never thought of writing songs tho.
I only wrote one for my brother's wedding.

Anyone who wants can post song lyrics rightcha if they write them

Just finished this like 5 seconds ago, would love to hear feedback. No name for it yet, and I have yet to spell check it. It was written at the same time as the chords.


Id lift a hand from out these vines
but these nerves all seam shot
as i saw your pretty face
look so much prettier in shock
and if i could say a word
id plant a big one on his lips
id catch u in eternity
at the moment that u trip

I feel like madusa with no control of her hair
I feel invincable and yet so scared

Where are you taking me
I dont wish to leave these grounds ive grown in

Tied black bags and the neighbors all agree
In the dead stabbing cold of night they heard a shreek
But they did not leave the warmth they just assumed and went to sleep
But who am i to scorn when Id have done the same as these

On a slab like so much meat
i see the doctors cleaver
Next to him is nothing
but a pupil that I recodnize
The last eyes from another night
the hands that bleed and beat her
I felt my pinky move
I felt him sinking in surprise

I feel like joan of ark with full control of her sword
I feel vengeful I feel unmourned

Why are u scared?
Where doth u run to? you loved these games before

Before your incision take these hands that you once held
take a look in these eyes and this heart that just melts -

And the shaking sweat
ill to live to slay again

Just finished this like 5 seconds ago, would love to hear feedback. No name for it yet, and I have yet to spell check it. It was written at the same time as the chords.


Id lift a hand from out these vines
but these nerves all seam shot
as i saw your pretty face
look so much prettier in shock
and if i could say a word
id plant a big one on his lips
id catch u in eternity
at the moment that u trip

I feel like madusa with no control of her hair
I feel invincable and yet so scared

Where are you taking me
I dont wish to leave these grounds ive grown in

Tied black bags and the neighbors all agree
In the dead stabbing cold of night they heard a shreek
But they did not leave the warmth they just assumed and went to sleep
But who am i to scorn when Id have done the same as these

On a slab like so much meat
i see the doctors cleaver
Next to him is nothing
but a pupil that I recodnize
The last eyes from another night
the hands that bleed and beat her
I felt my pinky move
I felt him sinking in surprise

I feel like joan of ark with full control of her sword
I feel vengeful I feel unmourned

Why are u scared?
Where doth u run to? you loved these games before

Before your incision take these hands that you once held
take a look in these eyes and this heart that just melts -

And the shaking sweat
ill to live to slay again

Reading that, the words 'Uncontrolled Night' come into my head... sounds like a good band name really :thumbsup:

I have nothing really to post at the moment, but I thought I'd submit a song name for that :tongue:

As for what kind've singer I am...A singer not fit to sing these songs: I can sing decently and (unfortunately) a half of an octave above "still alive".

I would actually be delighted if someone stole these, because, while I am good at saxaphone, I am no good and guitar and thus my songwriting is limited. SO STEAL AWAY!:lol: as long as I get an MP3 recording:lol:

ill play guitar if anyone wants to sing

I'll try putting some music on any of them, If they're good I'll upload them and you guys can give me some feedback.

All of the songs I've read on this thread are pretty good and about 10 time sbetter then anything I could have done!

All of the songs I've read on this thread are pretty good and about 10 time sbetter then anything I could have done!

Yeah, I couldn't do anything like this, altho I can write poetry, which my girlfriend enjoys. I do need to write a song for my band though, I'm new, so I'm the only one who hasn't written one... :undecided::grin:

I'm current;y trying to accomodate some music on "Let it Slide". It's going pretty good, I like the chorus, especially.
I don't know what kind of style or rythm you want in your song, I think I'm writing it kind of Dylan-esque but with more rythm.

O look at me, bumping this thread for my own nefarious deeds... mwahahahah! :tongue:

Anyway, just wrote/recorded something today, would love to hear feedback/criticism.

Link: a hill outside your window (http://www.archive.org/details/AHillOutsideYourWindow)

Lyrics:

On the hill behind the world
I got lost in these woods around my house that I built to protect me
I got lost in a moving photograph
there's an angel leaving my room and she said that she would not forget me
but im starting to think that its all in my head and im dying

girls suck boys drool
the animals inside my head rule
and if one happens to lob yours off
ill laugh ill scoff

on the hill behind the movie screen
I make hand puppets and scream and all the silly things Ive been told not to
ill travel round this earth
Pretend im not a jerk who laughs everyone who's worse off then him.
wear my soul a little thin because its cramped so far in

girls suck boys drool
the animals inside my head rule
and if one happens to lob yours off
ill laugh ill scoff

As for what kind've singer I am...A singer not fit to sing these songs: I can sing decently and (unfortunately) a half of an octave above "still alive".

I would actually be delighted if someone stole these, because, while I am good at saxaphone, I am no good and guitar and thus my songwriting is limited. SO STEAL AWAY!:lol: as long as I get an MP3 recording:lol:

Good. My band needed some lyrics.

Gunna start trying to put chords to this later, but yeah, this is...

'Talk to Me'

When we started, I didn’t have a clue
‘Bout what I was doing, but neither did you.
But as we went on, you learnt the tricks of the trade
And I was confused, and I was left in the shade
About what to do when you saw me
And how I should look, how I should be.
And you never seemed to see how I didn’t know,
Felt bad ‘bout my love I couldn’t show

You could just…

Talk to me
And tell me what I’m doing wrong.
Just, talk to me…
So I can put it right.

As time went on, I learnt some more
About the mysteries of love, right at it’s core.
And I’ll always love you, don’t you forget it
But as I learned to love, I realised summat…
For everything I had done for you
I had almost nothing in my heart that said, thank you.
For every effort I made for my world to stay secure
You’d make me wonder whether you understood…

Understood just how much…
How much…

I did for you
I tried for you
I loved you
I hurt for you

The efforts made
The trials passed
Tribulations had
Was it all just one big farce?
Just one big game?

Cause you know… you could just…

Talk to me
And tell me what I’m doing wrong.
Just, talk to me…
So I can put it right.

And when you’ve talked to me
I’ll talk to you

And you shall know,
What’s in my head.
And maybe you’ll know
Some of my pain in my stead…

Just talk to me
And tell me what I’m doing wrong.
Just, talk to me…
So I can put it right.

Cause I just want to make it right…

Gunna start trying to put chords to this later, but yeah, this is...

'Talk to Me'

When we started, I didn’t have a clue
‘Bout what I was doing, but neither did you.
But as we went on, you learnt the tricks of the trade
And I was confused, and I was left in the shade
About what to do when you saw me
And how I should look, how I should be.
And you never seemed to see how I didn’t know,
Felt bad ‘bout my love I couldn’t show

You could just…

Talk to me
And tell me what I’m doing wrong.
Just, talk to me…
So I can put it right.

As time went on, I learnt some more
About the mysteries of love, right at it’s core.
And I’ll always love you, don’t you forget it
But as I learned to love, I realised summat…
For everything I had done for you
I had almost nothing in my heart that said, thank you.
For every effort I made for my world to stay secure
You’d make me wonder whether you understood…

Understood just how much…
How much…

I did for you
I tried for you
I loved you
I hurt for you

The efforts made
The trials passed
Tribulations had
Was it all just one big farce?
Just one big game?

Cause you know… you could just…

Talk to me
And tell me what I’m doing wrong.
Just, talk to me…
So I can put it right.

And when you’ve talked to me
I’ll talk to you

And you shall know,
What’s in my head.
And maybe you’ll know
Some of my pain in my stead…

Just talk to me
And tell me what I’m doing wrong.
Just, talk to me…
So I can put it right.

Cause I just want to make it right…

Wow that is really good PianoMan I can't believe you wrote such a coooool song. Would love to hear it when you put music to it! :thumbsup:

Wow that is really good PianoMan I can't believe you wrote such a coooool song. Would love to hear it when you put music to it! :thumbsup:

Thanks. It it didn't take long to write. I prefer writing in 2nd person tbh, so trying that in song-writing atm. In my head, what I'm writing is a cross between 'Shattered' by the Rolling Stones (the song is called Shattered, but has different morals. Trying to think of a bridge to write atm, and re-writing the chorus, cause they are very similar.) and Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd, which I love atm.

So far, I got...

Shattered

Did she make you cry?
Make you break down,
Shatter your illusions of love?
Is it over now, do you know how?
Pickup the pieces and go home.

Love and dreams, all you need
They’re still surviving on the street

You’re betrayed, now in tatters!
You’re shattered.

Did she leave you standing,
Defeated and broken?
Dreams of hope left fragmented.
Can you pick up the pieces, live alone?
Pick up the pieces and go home.

Love and dreams, all you need
They’re still surviving on the street

You’re betrayed, now in tatters!
You’re shattered.

You did what you could
And nothing was returned.
Efforts tiring and fruitless
And now all you have are lessons learnt,
Mysteries of love revealed.

And you’re hurting.
Heart is burning.
Know what you need to know
When it’s just too late.

Love… and dreams… They are all you need.
You see them in everyone on the streets.
You’ve been betrayed, you’re in tatters.
You are shattered.

Love and Dreams, Yeah they are… they’re all you need!
They keep on surviving on the streets.
You’ve been betrayed, you’re in tatters,
You’re Shattered…!


Thoughts?