News Bot
06-03-2009, 10:10 AM
http://sarcasticgamer.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/back-to-the-future.jpgWas that Cammie Dunaway crashing and burning on stage yesterday?
Over five years ago, I used to work for the now defunct website called Hopelesslyrandom.com; a bunch of old Army buddies and myself would get on and post editorial rants about things that drove us nuts.
Keep in mind, this article is half a decade old.* Yet after Nintendo’s abortion of a press conference, it generally still rings true.* It was actually one of the audition pieces I used to get a writing job on the site, and while the editor’s at the time claimed the information is dated, how about you go through it and tell me how “dated” it actually is?
Take a trip…to the future! After the jump.
So here we go.
Nintendo: Please Grow the Hell Up
In the first of my nineteen-part series about the finer art of video games, let me launch into a tirade about Nintendo:
(Talking to it if it were an actual person)
Nintendo? You need to grow the Hell up.* You were the reigning king of video games back in 1985; knocking Colecovision and Atari off of the map.* Incredibly unique and advanced gaming; taking 2-D gaming to the next level.* Played you until my fingers fell off, got blisters, etc.
However, the year is 2004.* 2004!* Almost two decades since you broke onto the scene, you are still pushing the same childish and immature content that you did in 1985.** You are pandering to kids 10-13 with such inane content as “Animal Crossing”, “Pikmin” and the contemptible “Pokemon” series.
While you’re hurting on your platforms, you still dominate the portable category with the Gameboy, especially with the latest installment (the Gameboy Advanced SP; built in backlight, color.* ROXORS).* And yes, I own one.* But if you don’t watch your ass, you’re going to find yourself getting the hell kicked out of your by a pair of platform giants (Xbox and Playstation), with the only income you get is from the Gameboy line.* Let’s watch the replay.
Nintendo 64 was little more than a gaming abortion.* The world was transitioning to CD content with the advent of the Playstation and then the Xbox, and you’re still handing us 64-bit cartridges? Still trying to relive your 8-bit cartridge glory with the Nintendo 8-bit?* Outside of “Goldeneye” turning the gaming world upside down, your foray into 64-bit cartridges was a disaster and you got buried (rightfully so).
The fact that you launched the Gamecube with NO (as in ZERO)* mature rated titles is a sign.* Now I can see you are trying; you finally got off of your ass and put “Resident Evil” in your lineup (the 1st rated “M” game in the Gamecube line), followed quickly with “Metal Gear Solid”.* But guess what?* Both of these games,for* as great as they are, were both Playstation staples and came out years ago: you’re merely taking the rights to put these franchises on your weak system to get us older folks interested.* Jesus, you’re even stealing crappy Sega platform titles like Sega’s “Sonic the Hedgehog”.* What the hell is wrong with you?
Your name brand name titles?* God damn Mario (a god damn plumber, for chrissakes).* I mean, how many “Mario” games can there be?** “Mario Party” or “Mario Kart” or “Super Smash Brothers”…you know what? You’ve been milking Mario and his whole family tree for an ungodly 20 years.* It’s probably time to let him and the whole “Mushroom Kingdom” go (See? Mushroom Kingdom?* Give me a break!!).* Then Link from the “Legend of Zelda” series.* But instead of making Link at least a teenager in your latest “Zelda” clone, he actually gets younger?** “Legend of Zelda: Windwaker”?* Cell-shaded pile o’ crap.* I don’t care how pretty the game is, if the content requires me to adventure using a 10-year-old Link clone, then sorry, not interested.
And guess who’s the one who’s going to spend the most on your products?* Not 10-13 year olds, idiots!* The guys who are serious gamers, those guys sit around and play “Unreal Tournament” deathmatches with their friends on the weekends while wearing beer helmets.* And you know what?* These are the same guys who get paychecks and then turn around and spend them on Xbox and Playstation games.* Primarily, those guys who are between 18-??.* As for myself, you’ll probably find me dead in my leather recliner in front of my Playstation XVI and have to pry a game controller out of my wrinkly arthritic hand. Since I started getting a paycheck, I bought every system out there- except for Nintendo.* You always have a half dozen games that I wouldn’t mind giving a try, but not enough for me to justify spending $300+ on a system and other accessories to do so.* I don’t want to give you any extra money out of my pockets to give you the idea that your system is worth anything.* What?* A Nintendo Gamecube costs $99 now?* Yeah….that’s sad.* Pretty soon, you’re going to be giving them to us and paying $99 for us to play them.
In an era where actors are beginning to use video games as platforms to get their names out there for Xbox, Playstation and computer games, who in the hell are you going to get to play Mario?* Huh?* That’s right.* No one.* Mark Hamill (that’s right, Luke Skywalker) started this revolution with “Wing Commander IV”, which featured about 40 minutes (across 5 or 6 CDs) of jaw-dropping, full-motion cut-scene/movies; incredible for the time (like around 1995-96).* Brian Cox (as listed in my review of “Manhunt: check the “games” section on this site), Giobanni Riabisi, Ray Liotta, Pamela Anderson, Jason Strahtham and a list too long to list here are now lending their voices to video game characters.* “The Matrix” Wachikowski brothers wrote a full script for their foray into the gaming realm with “Matrix:Reloaded”, and used the entire cast of “The Matrix” to create footage and a storyline that paralleled the trilogy.** “The Lord of the Rings” cast was more than happy to do MOCAP (motion capture), voice overs and the whole nine yards for their “Lord of the Rings” series games.* Hell, Jet Li now has a video game that hasn’t even been made into a movie (”Jet Li: Fist of Honor”).
With this kind of firepower on their side, how in the Hell do you expect to compete in the upcoming years?* You need a new icon.* Toss Mario and Link; time to start fresh.* Your best bet is something with guns and tits (sorry, Lara Croft is taken; again by Playstation).* Let’s try to get away from ultra-fast hedgehogs, gallivanting plumbers, talking cars, flowers, cute little robots or animals.** I know all this stuff is coming out of Japan, but come on.*** You know I’m only telling ya this because I love you and care about you.* You’ve got such potential that is wasted on such sheer idiocy.** I just want what is best for you.
(Author’s Note: The author of this article realizes the comical hypocracy involved with a 28-year old man who is addicted to video games telling anyone to “grow up”.* The author would also like you to know that you can take your feelings of superiority or contempt and feel free to go straight to hell.)
http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?d=yIl2AUoC8zA (http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?a=KcWZKmM6VTo:0XEu5O_h8sU:yIl2AU oC8zA) http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?d=dnMXMwOfBR0 (http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?a=KcWZKmM6VTo:0XEu5O_h8sU:dnMXMw OfBR0) http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?i=KcWZKmM6VTo:0XEu5O_h8sU:gIN9vF wOqvQ (http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?a=KcWZKmM6VTo:0XEu5O_h8sU:gIN9vF wOqvQ) http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?i=KcWZKmM6VTo:0XEu5O_h8sU:V_sGLi PBpWU (http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?a=KcWZKmM6VTo:0XEu5O_h8sU:V_sGLi PBpWU) http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?d=qj6IDK7rITs (http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?a=KcWZKmM6VTo:0XEu5O_h8sU:qj6IDK 7rITs) http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?i=KcWZKmM6VTo:0XEu5O_h8sU:F7zBnM yn0Lo (http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?a=KcWZKmM6VTo:0XEu5O_h8sU:F7zBnM yn0Lo) http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?i=KcWZKmM6VTo:0XEu5O_h8sU:D7DqB2 pKExk (http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?a=KcWZKmM6VTo:0XEu5O_h8sU:D7DqB2 pKExk) http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?d=7Q72WNTAKBA (http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?a=KcWZKmM6VTo:0XEu5O_h8sU:7Q72WN TAKBA) http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?d=l6gmwiTKsz0 (http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?a=KcWZKmM6VTo:0XEu5O_h8sU:l6gmwi TKsz0)
http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~r/TheSarcasticGamer/~4/KcWZKmM6VTo
Click here to view the article. (http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/TheSarcasticGamer/~3/KcWZKmM6VTo/back-to-the-future-nintendo-still-disappoints-five-years-later.html)
Over five years ago, I used to work for the now defunct website called Hopelesslyrandom.com; a bunch of old Army buddies and myself would get on and post editorial rants about things that drove us nuts.
Keep in mind, this article is half a decade old.* Yet after Nintendo’s abortion of a press conference, it generally still rings true.* It was actually one of the audition pieces I used to get a writing job on the site, and while the editor’s at the time claimed the information is dated, how about you go through it and tell me how “dated” it actually is?
Take a trip…to the future! After the jump.
So here we go.
Nintendo: Please Grow the Hell Up
In the first of my nineteen-part series about the finer art of video games, let me launch into a tirade about Nintendo:
(Talking to it if it were an actual person)
Nintendo? You need to grow the Hell up.* You were the reigning king of video games back in 1985; knocking Colecovision and Atari off of the map.* Incredibly unique and advanced gaming; taking 2-D gaming to the next level.* Played you until my fingers fell off, got blisters, etc.
However, the year is 2004.* 2004!* Almost two decades since you broke onto the scene, you are still pushing the same childish and immature content that you did in 1985.** You are pandering to kids 10-13 with such inane content as “Animal Crossing”, “Pikmin” and the contemptible “Pokemon” series.
While you’re hurting on your platforms, you still dominate the portable category with the Gameboy, especially with the latest installment (the Gameboy Advanced SP; built in backlight, color.* ROXORS).* And yes, I own one.* But if you don’t watch your ass, you’re going to find yourself getting the hell kicked out of your by a pair of platform giants (Xbox and Playstation), with the only income you get is from the Gameboy line.* Let’s watch the replay.
Nintendo 64 was little more than a gaming abortion.* The world was transitioning to CD content with the advent of the Playstation and then the Xbox, and you’re still handing us 64-bit cartridges? Still trying to relive your 8-bit cartridge glory with the Nintendo 8-bit?* Outside of “Goldeneye” turning the gaming world upside down, your foray into 64-bit cartridges was a disaster and you got buried (rightfully so).
The fact that you launched the Gamecube with NO (as in ZERO)* mature rated titles is a sign.* Now I can see you are trying; you finally got off of your ass and put “Resident Evil” in your lineup (the 1st rated “M” game in the Gamecube line), followed quickly with “Metal Gear Solid”.* But guess what?* Both of these games,for* as great as they are, were both Playstation staples and came out years ago: you’re merely taking the rights to put these franchises on your weak system to get us older folks interested.* Jesus, you’re even stealing crappy Sega platform titles like Sega’s “Sonic the Hedgehog”.* What the hell is wrong with you?
Your name brand name titles?* God damn Mario (a god damn plumber, for chrissakes).* I mean, how many “Mario” games can there be?** “Mario Party” or “Mario Kart” or “Super Smash Brothers”…you know what? You’ve been milking Mario and his whole family tree for an ungodly 20 years.* It’s probably time to let him and the whole “Mushroom Kingdom” go (See? Mushroom Kingdom?* Give me a break!!).* Then Link from the “Legend of Zelda” series.* But instead of making Link at least a teenager in your latest “Zelda” clone, he actually gets younger?** “Legend of Zelda: Windwaker”?* Cell-shaded pile o’ crap.* I don’t care how pretty the game is, if the content requires me to adventure using a 10-year-old Link clone, then sorry, not interested.
And guess who’s the one who’s going to spend the most on your products?* Not 10-13 year olds, idiots!* The guys who are serious gamers, those guys sit around and play “Unreal Tournament” deathmatches with their friends on the weekends while wearing beer helmets.* And you know what?* These are the same guys who get paychecks and then turn around and spend them on Xbox and Playstation games.* Primarily, those guys who are between 18-??.* As for myself, you’ll probably find me dead in my leather recliner in front of my Playstation XVI and have to pry a game controller out of my wrinkly arthritic hand. Since I started getting a paycheck, I bought every system out there- except for Nintendo.* You always have a half dozen games that I wouldn’t mind giving a try, but not enough for me to justify spending $300+ on a system and other accessories to do so.* I don’t want to give you any extra money out of my pockets to give you the idea that your system is worth anything.* What?* A Nintendo Gamecube costs $99 now?* Yeah….that’s sad.* Pretty soon, you’re going to be giving them to us and paying $99 for us to play them.
In an era where actors are beginning to use video games as platforms to get their names out there for Xbox, Playstation and computer games, who in the hell are you going to get to play Mario?* Huh?* That’s right.* No one.* Mark Hamill (that’s right, Luke Skywalker) started this revolution with “Wing Commander IV”, which featured about 40 minutes (across 5 or 6 CDs) of jaw-dropping, full-motion cut-scene/movies; incredible for the time (like around 1995-96).* Brian Cox (as listed in my review of “Manhunt: check the “games” section on this site), Giobanni Riabisi, Ray Liotta, Pamela Anderson, Jason Strahtham and a list too long to list here are now lending their voices to video game characters.* “The Matrix” Wachikowski brothers wrote a full script for their foray into the gaming realm with “Matrix:Reloaded”, and used the entire cast of “The Matrix” to create footage and a storyline that paralleled the trilogy.** “The Lord of the Rings” cast was more than happy to do MOCAP (motion capture), voice overs and the whole nine yards for their “Lord of the Rings” series games.* Hell, Jet Li now has a video game that hasn’t even been made into a movie (”Jet Li: Fist of Honor”).
With this kind of firepower on their side, how in the Hell do you expect to compete in the upcoming years?* You need a new icon.* Toss Mario and Link; time to start fresh.* Your best bet is something with guns and tits (sorry, Lara Croft is taken; again by Playstation).* Let’s try to get away from ultra-fast hedgehogs, gallivanting plumbers, talking cars, flowers, cute little robots or animals.** I know all this stuff is coming out of Japan, but come on.*** You know I’m only telling ya this because I love you and care about you.* You’ve got such potential that is wasted on such sheer idiocy.** I just want what is best for you.
(Author’s Note: The author of this article realizes the comical hypocracy involved with a 28-year old man who is addicted to video games telling anyone to “grow up”.* The author would also like you to know that you can take your feelings of superiority or contempt and feel free to go straight to hell.)
http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?d=yIl2AUoC8zA (http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?a=KcWZKmM6VTo:0XEu5O_h8sU:yIl2AU oC8zA) http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?d=dnMXMwOfBR0 (http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?a=KcWZKmM6VTo:0XEu5O_h8sU:dnMXMw OfBR0) http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?i=KcWZKmM6VTo:0XEu5O_h8sU:gIN9vF wOqvQ (http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?a=KcWZKmM6VTo:0XEu5O_h8sU:gIN9vF wOqvQ) http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?i=KcWZKmM6VTo:0XEu5O_h8sU:V_sGLi PBpWU (http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?a=KcWZKmM6VTo:0XEu5O_h8sU:V_sGLi PBpWU) http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?d=qj6IDK7rITs (http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?a=KcWZKmM6VTo:0XEu5O_h8sU:qj6IDK 7rITs) http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?i=KcWZKmM6VTo:0XEu5O_h8sU:F7zBnM yn0Lo (http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?a=KcWZKmM6VTo:0XEu5O_h8sU:F7zBnM yn0Lo) http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?i=KcWZKmM6VTo:0XEu5O_h8sU:D7DqB2 pKExk (http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?a=KcWZKmM6VTo:0XEu5O_h8sU:D7DqB2 pKExk) http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?d=7Q72WNTAKBA (http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?a=KcWZKmM6VTo:0XEu5O_h8sU:7Q72WN TAKBA) http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?d=l6gmwiTKsz0 (http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~ff/TheSarcasticGamer?a=KcWZKmM6VTo:0XEu5O_h8sU:l6gmwi TKsz0)
http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~r/TheSarcasticGamer/~4/KcWZKmM6VTo
Click here to view the article. (http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/TheSarcasticGamer/~3/KcWZKmM6VTo/back-to-the-future-nintendo-still-disappoints-five-years-later.html)