regua
05-31-2008, 11:11 AM
by Eoco (http://sarcasticgamer.com/forums/../wp/index.php/author/eoco/)
http://sarcasticgamer.com/forums/../wp/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/tommorows-news.jpg (http://sarcasticgamer.com/forums/../wp/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/tommorows-news.jpg)
There are many sites out there that report current gaming news and these are great if you’re interested in getting the latest gaming news as it breaks, but the truly hardcore are not interested in today’s news, but tomorrow’s news. Join me as I run through the big news that’s going to break tomorrow.
Public Service Announcement: Sarcastic Gamer is a family friendly site (hey kids) and so we do try to moderate our content for a family audience. We do not stoop to low levels of filth and dirt and limit ourselves to sex between hedgehogs and fictional princesses. If you would like any more information regarding Sarcastic Gamer’s content policies, then please visit this (http://www.sarcasticgamer.com/forums/showthread.php?t=2036) link. Now for all you kids that are reading this (hey by the way) we would just like to say hey, so here it goes: ‘hey’. That was excellent.
Anyway, unfortunately we have to ask the kids to go and load up Buzz: The Mega Quiz on your PS2 while drinking a cup of milk so that you are not scarred for life. Thank you for your cooperation. Now for the rest of us - let’s get stuck in. Ewwwww.
Zelda Pregnant!
Early tomorrow morning, news will emerge that Zelda has been impregnated by none other than Sonic the Hedgehog. Rumour will have it that Sonic and Zelda are going through some relationship troubles. In fact, Zelda will even go as far as far as putting her facebook relationship status as ‘it’s complicated’. The reasons for the relationship troubles will remain unknown, but many speculators will suggest that it could be down to Sonic’s skill (or lack of) in the boudoir. An anonymous member of the Zelda Sex Defence League (they’re pretty weird over there) who only goes by the name of +\x/@+ will say that Sonic finishes just ‘too quickly’ to satisfy Zelda and that his ball form caused ’serious complications’. Regardless of their faltering love for each other, one thing will remain certain - the offspring will be a blue hedgehog princess hybrid called Soda. Look for more on this story as it breaks tomorrow.
Clifford Bleszinski wants to be known as Cliffy B again
The second freshly baked story that will hit the e-newspaper stands tomorrow will be that Clifford Bleszinski wants to be known as Cliffy B again, following his announcement to the contrary (http://sarcasticgamer.com/forums/../wp/index.php/2008/05/cliffy-and-the-bee.html) last week. Clifford will decide to change his name due to a mob of angry fans cutting his car in half with some sort of chainsaw-musket-cutlass-gun-super-duper-killing-thing. Hmm, what did they call it…oh yeah, a chainsaw bayonet. The leader of the group, a Mr Diputs Toidi, will have this interview with us:
Diputs Toidi: ‘We decided to cut Clifford’s car in half because we like calling him Cliffy B and don’t want him to change his name. We felt the chainsaw bayonet was fitting given Epic Game’s recent release of Unreal Tournament 3
Eoco: ‘Do you not mean Gears of War?’
Diputs Toidi: ‘I meant what I said. Did I say Gears of War?’
Eoco: ‘No, that’s why I asked you the question.‘
Diputs Toidi: Oh ok, I’m glad we verified that point.’
Eoco: ‘Me to. It’s been great meeting you. I’m just going to go back to my car now…’
Diputs Toidi: ‘…’
Eoco: ‘How did you say ‘…’, its not even a word. In fact, how did I say it just then?”
Diputs Toidi: ‘This interview has gone on too long. My guess would be, not that I know you write for Sarcastic Gamer, that the Sarcastic Gamer community is getting bored of this interview. In fact it’s boring for me and I’m taking part in it so God help those who are reading it.’
Eoco: ‘Good point, I’ll make sure I apologise to the readers when I type this up’
Sorry readers.
Clifford will also state that he has been receiving death threats over his soft curly gold locks and he hopes that this reverted name change will fix everything. Personally, I’m not so confident: I WANT THAT HAIR DAMN IT! Hehem.
Solid Snake suffering from erectile dysfunction, thinking about changing his name
This fine piece of news will break tomorrow at about 5pm CST. The title says it all really. Now I’m not sure this came with the job description, but here it goes. For the naive amongst you, an erectile dysfunction is when a man keeps having difficulty getting or keeping an erection. For those of you who don’t know what an erection is, then I suggest you leave the site. While Solid Snake had previously referred to his, for want of a better phrase, sexual organ as ‘the viper’, he will now consider changing it to ‘the field mouse’. The worlds top name innuendo specialists will suggest that Solid Snake changes his name to Flaccid Frog. Solid Snake will assure us that this problem will not affect him on his missions and he will urge you to buy Metal Gear 4 on release. He looked to another soldier who suffers from the same affliction for inspiration, Liquid Snake, with hope that one day, he’ll overcome his condition, or have a name that won’t “put him out there” with the ladies as much. It’s a difficult reputation to live up to as “Solid Snake,” but we here at Sarcastic Gamer wish you nothing, but the best.
There ya go, tomorrow’s news. You needn’t bother checking your RSS feeds tomorrow because we’ve got it all covered right here.
Other news that will break tomorrow includes: ‘Master Chief Really Dead’, ‘Pacman to take vacation’ and ‘Game cases to replaced with peanut butter’.
Thank you for persevering.
http://sarcasticgamer.com/forums/../wp/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/tommorows-news.jpg (http://sarcasticgamer.com/forums/../wp/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/tommorows-news.jpg)
There are many sites out there that report current gaming news and these are great if you’re interested in getting the latest gaming news as it breaks, but the truly hardcore are not interested in today’s news, but tomorrow’s news. Join me as I run through the big news that’s going to break tomorrow.
Public Service Announcement: Sarcastic Gamer is a family friendly site (hey kids) and so we do try to moderate our content for a family audience. We do not stoop to low levels of filth and dirt and limit ourselves to sex between hedgehogs and fictional princesses. If you would like any more information regarding Sarcastic Gamer’s content policies, then please visit this (http://www.sarcasticgamer.com/forums/showthread.php?t=2036) link. Now for all you kids that are reading this (hey by the way) we would just like to say hey, so here it goes: ‘hey’. That was excellent.
Anyway, unfortunately we have to ask the kids to go and load up Buzz: The Mega Quiz on your PS2 while drinking a cup of milk so that you are not scarred for life. Thank you for your cooperation. Now for the rest of us - let’s get stuck in. Ewwwww.
Zelda Pregnant!
Early tomorrow morning, news will emerge that Zelda has been impregnated by none other than Sonic the Hedgehog. Rumour will have it that Sonic and Zelda are going through some relationship troubles. In fact, Zelda will even go as far as far as putting her facebook relationship status as ‘it’s complicated’. The reasons for the relationship troubles will remain unknown, but many speculators will suggest that it could be down to Sonic’s skill (or lack of) in the boudoir. An anonymous member of the Zelda Sex Defence League (they’re pretty weird over there) who only goes by the name of +\x/@+ will say that Sonic finishes just ‘too quickly’ to satisfy Zelda and that his ball form caused ’serious complications’. Regardless of their faltering love for each other, one thing will remain certain - the offspring will be a blue hedgehog princess hybrid called Soda. Look for more on this story as it breaks tomorrow.
Clifford Bleszinski wants to be known as Cliffy B again
The second freshly baked story that will hit the e-newspaper stands tomorrow will be that Clifford Bleszinski wants to be known as Cliffy B again, following his announcement to the contrary (http://sarcasticgamer.com/forums/../wp/index.php/2008/05/cliffy-and-the-bee.html) last week. Clifford will decide to change his name due to a mob of angry fans cutting his car in half with some sort of chainsaw-musket-cutlass-gun-super-duper-killing-thing. Hmm, what did they call it…oh yeah, a chainsaw bayonet. The leader of the group, a Mr Diputs Toidi, will have this interview with us:
Diputs Toidi: ‘We decided to cut Clifford’s car in half because we like calling him Cliffy B and don’t want him to change his name. We felt the chainsaw bayonet was fitting given Epic Game’s recent release of Unreal Tournament 3
Eoco: ‘Do you not mean Gears of War?’
Diputs Toidi: ‘I meant what I said. Did I say Gears of War?’
Eoco: ‘No, that’s why I asked you the question.‘
Diputs Toidi: Oh ok, I’m glad we verified that point.’
Eoco: ‘Me to. It’s been great meeting you. I’m just going to go back to my car now…’
Diputs Toidi: ‘…’
Eoco: ‘How did you say ‘…’, its not even a word. In fact, how did I say it just then?”
Diputs Toidi: ‘This interview has gone on too long. My guess would be, not that I know you write for Sarcastic Gamer, that the Sarcastic Gamer community is getting bored of this interview. In fact it’s boring for me and I’m taking part in it so God help those who are reading it.’
Eoco: ‘Good point, I’ll make sure I apologise to the readers when I type this up’
Sorry readers.
Clifford will also state that he has been receiving death threats over his soft curly gold locks and he hopes that this reverted name change will fix everything. Personally, I’m not so confident: I WANT THAT HAIR DAMN IT! Hehem.
Solid Snake suffering from erectile dysfunction, thinking about changing his name
This fine piece of news will break tomorrow at about 5pm CST. The title says it all really. Now I’m not sure this came with the job description, but here it goes. For the naive amongst you, an erectile dysfunction is when a man keeps having difficulty getting or keeping an erection. For those of you who don’t know what an erection is, then I suggest you leave the site. While Solid Snake had previously referred to his, for want of a better phrase, sexual organ as ‘the viper’, he will now consider changing it to ‘the field mouse’. The worlds top name innuendo specialists will suggest that Solid Snake changes his name to Flaccid Frog. Solid Snake will assure us that this problem will not affect him on his missions and he will urge you to buy Metal Gear 4 on release. He looked to another soldier who suffers from the same affliction for inspiration, Liquid Snake, with hope that one day, he’ll overcome his condition, or have a name that won’t “put him out there” with the ladies as much. It’s a difficult reputation to live up to as “Solid Snake,” but we here at Sarcastic Gamer wish you nothing, but the best.
There ya go, tomorrow’s news. You needn’t bother checking your RSS feeds tomorrow because we’ve got it all covered right here.
Other news that will break tomorrow includes: ‘Master Chief Really Dead’, ‘Pacman to take vacation’ and ‘Game cases to replaced with peanut butter’.
Thank you for persevering.